These ain't gonna be lengthy, so no need to strap in.

New England (-9.5) over Cincinnati. The Patriots have an elite pass defense, running backs that the Bengals linebackers have no prayer against, and against teams that didn't make the playoffs the year before, Brady and Belichick (and Matt Cassel!) are 112-58-5 ATS since 2003. The Patriots have a miserable passing offense right now. The Bengals are just miserable.

Also, know what I'd love to see the Bengals do?

Cheat.

Why? It'd show that someone gave enough of a shit about winning to care to break a rule.

Minnesota (-2.5) over the Chargers. Mike Zimmer teams don't play down to the level of competition. As a favorite, Zimmer's Vikings are 35-18-1 ATS since 2014, and as a favorite outside the division, they're 24-8-1 ATS. No, I don't love trend betting, but these are too stark to ignore.

Houston (+3) over Tennessee. DeShaun Watson is 11-5 as an underdog, the Titans have a bunch of injuries to their secondary, and Ryan Tannehill is about to turn into a pumpkin. Not literally, because that would be weird.

Green Bay (-4.5) over Chicago. The Packers are the NFL's best team whose players you can't name, besides Danica Patrick's boyfriend, of course.

Carolina (+6) over Seattle. Seahawks win. Panthers ugly it up.

NFL Mark in 2019: 44-28

College Mark in 2019: 42-35-1

Have a pleasant weekend.